So, what are your hedges? To what level do you minister with and to other women in your church? Here are some categories: What are your hedges when...
Counseling
Preparing for an event
At an event without your wife
Another woman - teases or flirts with you?
You get cornered for a "quick" question.
What is your plan to stay safe from yourselves and above reproach?
On July 20, 2011, One of God’s Wills said:
ReplyDeleteThis is a great topic.
As for counseling, I will never counsel a woman one on one unless either my wife or secretary is in view.
I have done some event planning with a young married woman in our church and am thankful for my wife's counsel to avoid the whole "one on one" thing. We were meeting in my office with the doors open, but were still kind of secluded. I should have picked up that things were heading south when she started bringing me lunch for our meetings (I'm sure she meant well and all, yet I am most thankful for my wife's wisdom to avoid such a meeting). The short of it is that we have not met one on one and I learned (again) the value of listening to my wife in the whole "male-female-awkwardness-thing." I think openness with our wives is crucial on this! I should always check with her and only do what she is comfortable with.
At events without my wife ... hmm. Good one. I'd like to think I seek out the men of our church first, but why is it that despite my good intentions, the ladies always come to me first and are far more interested in talking (especially about God and spiritual stuff) than their men are? I think the ease in which women communicate can be a temptation for us pastors who love to walk and talk Christ and the Word. So I need to guard my heart here. I usually maintain a high level of overall sobriety and I think this has helped in avoiding female advances (flirting for sure and teasing mostly). Mild teasing, when appropriate I think is ok (depending on the person), but flirting is certainly not permissible for the pastor (2 Tim 2:22). "Defraud" (1 Thes 4:6) is a sin to be avoided as well! We must be stirring up good feelings for us in our wives, not in other men's wives. I do have to caution myself even with the Jr.High and High School girls who are young, pretty, and as my wife says, "Very vulnerable." We must make sure we are not overly friendly with them either, much less flirty!
The cornered for a quick question thing does happen a bit. I think the best thing to do is stay in open areas when people corner you, and if asked about something in a secluded area, lead the women to a place where more people are and then address her question. We must avoid every form of evil (1 Thes 5:22) and even the appearance of it!
This topic is certainly deserving of our attention and careful reflection. I often feel uncomfortable around pastors who are "touchy feely" in excess (BIG and LONG full-body hugs should be avoided), at least for me my flesh is way too weak to be all wrapped up in another women's body - don't care how old and dumpy she is! Side hugs are more sanctified (haha)! JMAC says a man of God is known not just for what he fights for but from what he flees from ... flee youthful lusts my friends!!!
I think Paul's sex education class to the Thessalonians is most helpful here (see 1 Thes 4:1-8). He instructs that sexual purity is God's will, and that sexual impurity here is always out of God's will (scary!). Sexual immorality begins in the mind not the bedroom as you’re aware. Each of us must "know how to control his own vessel (body) in sanctification and honor" (4:4). I think this knowledge is going to vary from man to man but the basic truth applies to all of us. We need to give careful thought to personal holiness in all areas - women especially. Helpful questions include, "Is this encounter/conversation with this women increasing my sanctification and hers?" "Is my conduct and heart-level-thoughts during our meeting
Great challenge Paul. Thank you for challenging us to think through this. We must be watchful and vigilant both in how we act AND how we are perceived. Will, I believe you summed up convictions we all should have!
ReplyDeleteWill hit on this but I would like to say, as much as we consider how to protect others and ourselves, we definitely MUST see what our wife is comfortable with and try to minister within those parameters. She is the first woman we serve.
Also, check out this helpful article from 9Marks ejournal called Discipling Men vs. Discipling Women
It came in the issue titled, “Pastoring Women: Understanding and Honoring Distinctness.
Here is the link: http://www.9marks.org/ejournal/pastoring-women
If this post is the negative side of ministering to women- "how do we protect them/ourselves", I found an article concerning the positive side of ministering to women. Below is a link to a blog post, Training Young Pastors to Shepherd Women. It was written by TMC/TMS grad "Gunner" Gundersen.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find it very helpful as we seek to minister to "the other gender" in ways that we are called to and in ways that help form them into Christ (Gal. 4:19).
http://rawchristianity.wordpress.com/2010/06/25/training-young-pastors-to-shepherd-women/